Nobody asked me, but ...

9:27 AM, May 23, 2013   |    comments
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Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - Well, actually, my wife asked me a question last Sunday that got me to thinking.

What if we were the ones that had the winning Powerball ticket?

What would we have done with 375 mil (after taxes)?

There would be a lot of immediate actions, the first of which would have been a three-month stay in someplace like Thailand that would allow the excitement to die down and all of my new friends to get thrown off the trail.

Then my wife tried to answer the question.

Would you want to buy a sports team, she asked?

Man, that's a pretty good question. The answer, by the way, would be yes and it would have to be an NFL team.

Could you imagine being an owner?

(Of course, with "only" $375 million, you don't have nearly enough to buy an NFL franchise, but let's continue the dream anyway).

Pick your favorite NFL team and now you're the boss (if you were wondering, I'd buy the Tampa Bay Buccaneers).

So, with my franchise picked and the finances in order, it's time to make a couple of lists of what to do and what not to do as the NFL's newest owner.

What to do:

- Slash ticket prices. Not a whole lot, mind you, but enough so my fanbase might actually like me for a few months.

- Depending on the situation, keep or fire the head coach. If somebody is selling me a team, chances are that team stinks. If that's the case, the coach is gone. If the team is somehow good, keep everything status quo.

- Take training camp to a different locale than my own city in order to let a different group of fans enjoy the team. Teams that abandon their training camp site (the Philadelphia Eagles are one of the latest, departing Lehigh University) because they want to practice at home in the preseason just don't get it. Share the wealth. Your players are grown men, they can adapt come September.

- Sit in the stands during home games. Sure, it would be cool to be hanging out in the owner's box with fill-in-the-name-of-famous-rap-star here, but not to your fans. Be a part of the crowd. Of course, this is a lot easier with Tampa's weather as opposed to, say, Buffalo's or Green Bay's.

- And while you're at it, do the full body paint thing. Your fans will go nuts and the paint washes off (I think). And, besides, when the game is over and the paint is off, you're still rich.

- The rest of the week, and in the offseason, be quiet. You're just the owner. The players are the thing.

What not to do:

- Well, right here at the top, don't get four facelifts. Jeez, don't even get one. And while I'm not at it, don't dye my hair any unnatural shade of something. Let's not dye it at all.

- Don't have a nickname that you go by. The name your parents gave you is fine with one caveat: If they named you David, for instance, go by Dave. Or, in my case, Drew, not Andrew (sorry, Mom). If just sounds more common.

- Don't go down to the sideline in the closing minutes of a game when your team has things wrapped up. You just look like a dork. Again, it's about the players, not you. Don't ever forget that.

- Don't talk too much. Give the media a state-of-the-team address during the preseason and then another one at the end of the season. Be honest and then be quiet the rest of the year. Everybody knows you're the guy; just be quiet about it.

- Don't go to a playoff game that doesn't involve your team. That's why they make televisions.

- And, finally, like anything in life, don't be a jerk (obviously, some team owners can't help themselves).

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